It’s now the 29th, this temple was one I visited on the 19th. Winter seems to have arrived in the Northeast, with a much needed drop in temperature, softer light, and soon much of the waterlogged back country will have dried out. Conditions I expected a month ago and the reason for scheduling production during Q4. Unfortunately, this is where major issues with the project have only just begun. I am currently dealing with medical issues that make any solo fieldwork a foolish decision. Too long have I put my work before everything, and whilst the reception is arguably the highest possible one could expect form a independent entity, I am sick of fighting an unreceptive industry to the point where it now actively harms myself. I cut ties with the most respected of optical houses and the objective peak of photographic support because of the disregard to the seriousness of this project. I literally threw away every YouTube photographer’s end game to continue with this project as my sole focus. I have committed to the project, to Dehancer, Angelbird, and have very publicly declared myself. But we have now breached the point where it is not sensible for me to continue. It has never been a sensible decision to self-fund, sacrificing a large part of what constitutes as ‘normal’ life to cover this, to pursue mastery — let us not beat around the bush with that —yet a Sysiphean task I I have proven to be capable of, sans degree, funding, following, or fellowship. I listed my achievements this year on my About, and no sane person would begrudge me stopping here, and now. No person can claim the same and critique me.

I need to talk about things a little today, like how I served in the British Army, how many believe exoticism or documentation of egregious violence is how the world changes. No one cares. The world is so immune to violence that Tank Man, Burning Monk, Napalm Girl, they land without force or weight in today’s society. If I believed this would change the world I would have plenty to photograph in Myanmar, Cambodia, or The Golden Triangle. No, those issues are easily solved by those perpetrating egregious acts, not perpetrating them. I’ve done my bit, I served and thought it would matter. No, the world I live in is far greyer. Issues that have no clean resolution, where focusing on A causes issues with B. I cannot go back to ignorance, and I cannot go back to anything less. This is not what the industry wants, not what people can parse cleanly. So why do I do it? Because I can’t stop. I can’t loose. I can’t allow the drivel that is presented to be what is ingrained in social memory for future generations. I will not allow it.

So what then can possibly make me stop, why is this the hill I cede when I have only begun my Prima? Too much is telling me to stop. And even I can cast hubris aside and see the value in returning to zero. Storms (fatal monsoons, not a small downpour) have halved my window of opportunity for ideal conditions, PM2.5 pollution likely to halve the back half. I have a lot to loose for six weeks of shooting, and much to gain by just waiting. The stress of creating a project like this is immeasurable, and I see why many never get to this point. The sheer will and confidence needed to push forward is draining in ways unimaginable. Have I spent too much time sedentary sending emails, building decks and balancing explanation where both those who need to see comprehensive technical understanding and those with the inability to parse such data need to be accounted for? Well no wonder my diet was the first thing out the window. But production soon, out in the field again, right? I thought I was immortal until I hit thirty, then every bad decision came back to haunt me. This is not understood by the photographic industry as most start their journey post education in their late twenties, in my world (similar to athletes) we retire by then. Mistakes are only mistakes if we do not learn from them.

I avoid doctors like the plague, I have no time to slow down and little respect for the overwhelming incompetency that inherently comes with large bureaucratic entities. But this past week I have been in and out, with more trips to follow. These reports I make are to educate, and not very many people can — because not very many people do anything like this. I have said over and over, when pursuing fieldwork to remain covered, wear a hat and stay hydrated. The effects of dehydration are absolutely lethal, and the genetic makeup of white skinned people is not the same, we are terribly affected by heat. This is not something the Thai peoples grasp. Despite noting fatigue and exhaustion on earlier trips, I chalked it up to being rusty. Mentally, I am still twenty and I can just bounce back from anything. But physically? I’m not. My problems are not going away, they are building up. I had hoped for another ten years to accomplish what I have set out to do before hitting any brick walls. God has other plans, and who am I to argue?

I view this years series of clean ‘wins’ as unaffecting my given trajectory. It is my “losses” and Pyrrhic victories that I constitute the stepping stones to where I need to be. But truly, I cannot afford the victory Discover Temples of Thailand would give me. I have been hit hard, and hit over. I cannot downplay the loss of ZEISS as partner, despite dissolution being the objective best course of action long-term for my IP. Even ZEISS is still the cart, I am the horse and I go in front. I also cannot downplay the loss of every other collaborator to date, needed for ZEISS exclusivity. That was a one-two that left me reeling more than I ever let on. The cost of equipment to maintain exclusivity is moot, the Fujifilm was pushed beyond its capabilities and an upgrade was needed regardless. Despite my view of their marketing and logistics, ZEISS optics have always been favoured by me. I will not call re-equipping DRobertsPhoto a loss, but certainly a Phyrric victory. But the momentum lost when I was not given the IMF commission was a double-sting, it left me as an independent with no institutional backing, so no ZEISS or IMF to give authority. Also the funds would have offset production, but that was inconsequential compared to the realisation that objective merit will never trump agenda. my work is by it’s very nature iconoclastic, and as such I have always been up against agenda bias, but I had hoped that if my technical execution was not enough alone to sway IMF then my demonstrable credentials would be. Not a single photographer can claim to equal my output pre-debut, only retrospectively. Certainly not of Thai nationality. There is no world where my submission was not the strongest, complete with heavyweight industry recommendations.

I see the absolute nonsense perpetrated by the industry and lament how low the bar has sunk. So low in fact that excavation is needed to retrieve it. I see now that the industry is blind, afraid, and dying. The moment photography was accepted as a free commodity, it died. The moment the industry was turned into a propaganda churn of Orwellian proportion, artists chosen as puppets to satiate corporate greed with messages of “the tool does the work” was when the fetid corpse rose to plague us further. My thought has always been “If not me, then who? If not now, then when?” I believe change is coming, in the history of humanity, spinelessness has never been rewarded. The social media age is an anomalous event against the backdrop of time. But I am one man, luckily with two hands, and my faculties have remained intact. More so, my integrity remains intact. Lack of compunction within the industry has left morale waning. Not the why, the how. Perhaps my role was never that of Sisyphus, but Prometheus. And here I am on my rock.

So take my fire as the hawk takes his meal. What else will you do? A dance on TikTok? Stop begging for likes or re-grams, stop feeding the Orphan-Crushing Machine™. The WHY always comes before the HOW. It is an insidious thought that it could ever be any different. And to those who want but seemingly don’t know? This life is not for everyone, do not insult us that do by saying we are equal. The dragon requires tribute. Ask yourself what you have given, before you demand of others. Do not shake your bokken at me, when I have steel in the sheath.

This temple is not far from the Red Lotus Lake, for those who wish to visit. The weather that day swung from ominous skies to mid 30’s heat sans cloud cover. The grounds themselves were impressive but the motivation was not there, I found myself fighting as to the WHY of this temple. With my work now having reduced visibility that I once got from brand integration and marketing, coupled with reduced likelihood of a physical monograph, morale is rock bottom. On-site I struggled with heat, and with hydration, despite travelling by car and maintaining fluid ingestion. It is only now that I can understand it is the culmination of underlying health issues that have made fieldwork physically taxing. When one fights their body and mind, it leaves little room for creation or the inquisitive impulses that shape my work. I will not say that the project is on hiatus, it is still my primary and immediate focus. But it will not be put before my health, if recouperation means we miss Q4 production, so be it. Though the truth is I fear that my medical concerns will mean fieldwork is never going to be an option the way it was before. My belief in still imagery as a viable medium is at an all-time low. This may never resurface the way it was intended, but it will resurface. With the same heart and soul, if in a separate guise. It’s not what instrument you use, its what you make with it. I am not done making but I am done selling razorblades when the world wants disposable razors. These field-reports will serve as a document of the cost of authenticity in the age of algorithmic decay.

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Discover Temples of Thailand is supported by Angelbird Technologies with companion motion sequences in collaboration with Dehancer Film Emulation.