The universe pulled me back in kicking and screaming; and much like all other times things just happened to line up. Thailand re-opened borders, and my Thai passport hadn’t been renewed since I was a child so I could enter on my British one. October 2022, the month my life ended, and I decided I wouldn’t stop for anyone. I don’t talk about this often, and would rather not — but at the same time it is a major reason why I need to do this, why I must succeed. I was given the option of homelessness in the UK (despite having worked since fifteen, serving in the Army, and my most recent job being a General Manager) or my family’s old abandoned home in Thailand. They say necessity is the mother of invention, and this time it was rightly so. Things were never going to be as they once were, and for once I was truly all-in.

Before 2022 was out, I held a Thai passport, both motorbike and car licenses, and my home was looking like a home again (even if it still leaks during heavy monsoon, though more homely in 2026 with my Wolly Siberian Latte and partner Dararat are here). I arrived in Bangkok with a pair of olive drab short-sleeves, a single pair of Clarkes boots, an X-Pro3 and the 35mm F1.4, and built a career that allowed me to walk from ZEISS when terms became unfavourable, and receive review without critique from TASCHEN — the only standard I measure myself by is Sabastiao Salgado and Genesis, and to be put up against the rule that measured that at thirty-three is almost unbelievable — whilst grieving for my father, and the family life that could have been, is a feat I wish engraved on my tombstone. Having done it without pandering, theatrics, exploitation, or social media nonsense, is the sword I want in my coffin.

This piece is called My Relationship with Gear; the relationship part precedes the gear part. What I just told you sets the stage for everything I do from here on in. All I had left was my Fujifilm, all I had left. To many photography is a choice, brands are allegiances. I had a life raft —one that had a hole in it. That didn’t stop me from rowing to shore, that didn't stop me from being grateful for the boat. Yet that does not make me beholden to it, I do not worship the graven image of the X-Pro, I see no deities in corporations. However, I see God in the work I do. I say this as a firm atheist whose latest project happens to be Temples. No irony, not even a drop.

2022-2023

I remember a time quite vividly where Sony released the new Alpha 7R Mark III and at the same time there were whispers of Leica doing a revision of the Q. It turns out they were cooking up something big. They released the Q in a secondary colourway; safari green. Thus the photography industry changed forever. In just two years not just photography changed, but the whole world — people. I was in a foreign land (and I don’t mean Thailand). There was at least some comfort in Asoke, a place I knew intimately; but even a BTS stop away at the new EM District (or mini-Shanghai) even Bangkok had a new face of makeup on. I touched down on home soil late with humidity embracing me as the prodigal son returned. By the time I had fought through MRT delay the sun had set and I found myself wanting a shower more than anything so I headed straight to the hotel. There is a feeling of loneliness that I expect very few people experience in life; my Thai was very rusty, and the people I wanted to talk to were never to be at the end of a phone call again. It was the first time in my adult life that I was alone. Do not mistake this for a weakness, external circumstances do not make the man. Being thrown into a cage with a bear does not make one weak, unless you offer yourself up as a meal. I was not going to entertain any such thoughts and went out into the night with my X-Pro3 as both sword and shield. I thought back to when this was all I ever wanted, and somehow that thought held no comfort.

After the night had passed (and I surprised myself by sleeping a few hours) I prepared for the day. Grief is a thing that permeates every layer of life. In a city of eleven-million people I could not have been more alone. I grieved for my father, but even more than that; I grieved for my nation, my home, my future, my idea of what life was meant to be, the idea of being able to do the right thing and reap the right outcome. Luckily Thailand seems to answer a few of those questions in its own way. Thailand doesn't really care about how life is meant to be; only that life is meant to be. In life you often get exactly what you need, and that is hardly ever what you want. I spent longer than I wanted trying to recover my @drobertsphoto Instagram account as I sat outside Starbucks in Siam, the square was unrecognisable. If EM District was a veritable mini-Shanghai, Siam Square was a mini Tokyo — half Shibuya, half Harajuku. I got my account back online and posted a story, just the back of my X-Pro3 screen and a street shot — then got very excited when @fujifilmthailand shared it. I didn’t realise that old metrics were now worthless, and that brands were just PR firms and KPIs. It took a long time for that thought to sink into my thick skull. Longer than I am proud to admit. It makes you wonder though, when this was rock bottom how lucky I really am. I hope that comes across in my work.

I spent the next few days trawling my old spots, and I think fortune was with me as most were either gone or changed beyond recognition. China was still closed at this point so Bangkok was as peaceful as I had ever seen it. I kept myself to myself, but I did do some window shopping. After two years out of the game it was astonishing to see what was now availabe, the DJI Ronin 3 looked like a thing that actually worked — a far cry from the Zhiyun Crane that needed to be strapped down and didn’t even come with a tripod for balancing. The FX6 and PZ 28-135 f/4 G sparked my imagination as to possibilities with motion (and still remains a chase goal for me). The Alpha 7R IV was a behemoth in its own right; but I knew I lacked the pipeline for 60 Megapixels. Sometimes just seeing what tools are available to you is inspiring enough. I didn’t know what the next day would hold, never mind the next week, so purchasing a camera that would equate to six or more months living costs was never going to be the right call at this stage. There was only one thing to be done, I needed to photograph. I stopped delaying the inevitable and booked my flight from Bangkok back home to Udon Thani. I thought about Chiang Mai again, thought about Gifu, Tokyo even. But I had been running long enough. It was time to go home.

As restrictions started to wind down a momentary light at the end of the tunnel was glimpsed (before finding out it was just the train come to run me over), I got back into the hobby. I didn’t have any money to speak of, not for cameras at any rate so I scrimped up what I could. I sold what mid-tier watches I had left, my manga collection that was worth a surprising amount, and bought an X-T4, Fujinon 90mm f/2 and in a revolutionary and uncharacteristic act — an iPad Pro for editing. I’ve made better decisions in life, but I have also made worse. Whilst a formidable tool for the “one hour exercise” allotted by our esteemed government, not a tool for the streets of Bangkok. Though in hindsight it may have been a fine tool for the plains of Isaan. My love of the X-Pro2 made me overconfident in the abilities of the X-Pro3, and the titanium shell drew unfavourable (for the Fuji) comparisons to the Contax G. When a company mis-markets a toy, no harm is done. When a company mis-markets a tool? Construction halts. I thought the X-Pro3 a tool, and used it like one. Does that make me wrong? Does that make me negligent? After all it is literally called the Pro[fessional].

I didn’t buy a new camera until well into 2023, I used the X-Pro3 to its very last breath. Much of that time my mind was elsewhere, and photography was the only thing I felt that I could do that was proactive. I went back to the days where it would just be me, the road, and an X-Pro around my neck. I wasn’t sure what I was photographing. I wasnt sure what I would find, not exactly anyway. I let Isaan tell its story to me, I merely listened. There were times where I contemplated Sony, times I regretted not buying Sony. But there was a thought in my mind that I couldn’t let go of. If Fujifilm can slip this far post-pandemic, what’s to say Sony hasn’t either? Retrospectively, I should have moved far sooner, back in Bangkok on day one and built with firm foundations, but I was afraid. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to last, and I wasn’t going back to the UK. I was afraid that my work wouldn’t be received, a part of me was afraid I may have lost it. It, that ineffable thing, so I drew on what I had in abundance — determination born of spite. And that is like putting out a fire with gasoline, only good if you want a bonfire. They got their bonfire and realised getting too close may burn them. Should I be ashamed that I burn hot? Fuji should be ashamed how hot the X-Trans5 runs that’s for sure. But that’s for the next part.

As is now a visible trend with Fujifim, the X-T5 was not a fix for anything. It was an anchor to a dead ecosystem that seems to be using all of its corporate efforts on scrubbing what made the brand great in the first place. I stuck with Fujifilm to keep using the 35mm and the 56mm, to keep writing for the magazines I had nurtured relationships with, the community I helped build — both once-upon-a-Tokyo and here, today. The X-T5 was the pinnacle of undelivered promises, the lenses I wanted to use? Useless, with firmware breaking autofocus completely. When a camera shows focus confirmation but the image is mis-focused? there is no more trust after that, not a shred. Not focusing is one thing, being told OK hit the shutter! and then not focusing? that is an entirely different beast. Jonas Rask loves to tell me how his X-Pro3 never overheats, in Aarhus Denmark! On a leisurely walk on a chilly evening. Joshua Ivan Loh (FujiFanBoys) likes to tell me that screen replacements are because its a special camera, and that’s the price of ownership. Fujifilm? They won’t even acknowledge me, because I only have six-hundred followers perhaps, though I think it’s because I put thier efforts into perspective too clearly. Guess they don’t understand what being reviewed by TASCHEN means, just like they don’t understand what being a student of Daido Moriyama means when it came to Suzuki-san. Or they do, and don’t care. I wanted the system to work and I forced a square peg into a round hole. Thypoch, ArtraLab, Laowa, I tried going back to manual focus and gaslighting myself that limitations breed creativity. Worse, I tried gaslighting you with a six-part series for FUJILOVE. Limitation does breed creativity, when you are capable of choosing the limitation rather than having it imposed by negligent design. Yet I will ask again, is it me that is negligent? Should I have known better? We know the answer to this, Fujifilm knows the answer to this — hence the silence. I am not Rask, Suzuki is not Loh. As long as the gulf between us remains wide, I sleep well at night.

Like I said, the X-Pro3 served me, I cannot claim that it didn’t. I put it in environments that Fujifilm would wince at knowing. Over the years that followed it documented Loey Krathong, Phi Tha Khon, Traditional Khon, Bum Fai Naga, Engkor, Dragon Parades, Father’s Day at Erawan Shrine, temples from stick huts with a shrine to Wat Arun and The Grand Palace, it captured the faces of the old, the young, the urban, the rustic, farmers, fisherman, orphans. Most of my front page portfolio is with that camera. It has seen the mountains of Loei, the bed of the Mekong, along with its floods, its photographer Bangkok, Pattaya, Khon Kaen, Nong Bua Lampuh, Nakhon Ratchasima, Roi Et. It has seen the footprint of the Khmer, the ghost of Auttayah. It has been immortalised in FUJILOVE and Fuji X Passion articles, not a word can be said against it. Many lenses have been tested on it, and it has counterbalanced the 40 Megapixel X-T5 in my findings. That all ended when the ribbon failure occurred, twice. Trust is hard won and easy lost.

Legal & Ethical Disclosure

Archive Record: Shot between 2022 and 2023 in various locations within Thailand.

Technical Basis: Presented in the pedagogical context of showcasing the evolution of equipment used by the author.

Operational Standards: The camera was not concealed; imagery was made in public spaces and not contested at the time of capture. No portrayal was knowingly in false light. Verbal consent was gained at the time of capture for all portraiture.

Non-Commercial Status: This article is not monetised.

PDPA Compliance: If any person depicted objects to usage, the image will be removed uncontested as per Thailand's PDPA. Requests may be submitted via the Contact page.