Each of these essays are progressively harder and harder to write, I struggle with where I want to draw the line between David Roberts and DRobertsPhoto. For many years DRobertsPhoto has been a metaphorical trophy cabinet, but as my work progresses and I begin to accept that what I am doing surpasses the act of still imagery and acknowledge that I am well into uncharted territories. I fear that externally my efforts will be seen as failure, a fall, when I am taking steps in the dark. I think that is only natural and human, but it also means that whatever string I leave behind may save the next from the Minotaur. To me, this is more valuable a contribution than hiding my stumbles or missteps — and flies in the face of “banger” culture I vehemently oppose.
Counter to this, returning to what has worked for me for almost a decade is where I see the real failure. There is very real danger when you realise that you are racing the clock, and not the pack. And a very egotistical yet demoralising position for me to been seen at the rear, when in fact I am about to lap. I’ve been dealing with health problems, and the news has been good, in the sense that there is nothing underlying preventing long term plans. of course lifestyle changes will be made. Which is akin to telling a mountain climber they can no longer climb mountains. They will never be satisfied with a hike or gym wall, and I am staring down that barrel wondering if I’d survive a second shot. to everyone around me, this is considered stupidity. Possibly rightly so, and I see more than a little Ahab within me: “I’d strike the sun if it insulted me.”
So where does that leave me? Back to racing analogies as that was once a large part of my life that I walked away from, and wondering if in another ten years I’ll be making photographic analogies. I’m on a cool down lap after a few hot laps, wet laps and some internal failure, wondering of I should pit, or pull one more hot one before I do. Having blown a three inch hole in the block of my turbo charged B16A in my racing days, I know that I’ll be pitting. Yet I cling on to the image of myself as Ahab, and a part of me thinks the white one is worth it. Even as I write this, it is a begrudged retreat. Thailand is so beautiful right now, everything is still green and fresh from the rain, and the temperature has dropped to a comfortable mid-twenties. I have struggled with the mindset that if my work was not pushing against the ceiling — not just mine but the industries — then it was worthless. If I was not making my monograph, my essays or being supported under the umbrella of heritage houses, then it was not worthwhile. Tainted by proximity to my fellow independent peers. I want to be Salgado, and I know I can never be him if I do not walk his road. That is why my sights are firmly still on TASCHEN, and yes one day I want to own a swathe of Isaan, the way he bought his Amazon — so that none my touch it again. In fact, I want far more than that, I want there to be consequence. If not politically, then artistically. I need there to be institutions that reward this kind of work, or how else will anyone ever choose it over shooting weddings and events or top 10 tips and gear reviews?
As I write this now, I reflect on the days where motor racing was my life, yet I managed to walk form that. And before that, my life as a soldier. I’m not ready to relinquish photography, and I am confused as to whether I am fortifying myself to do so, or to continue. Yet what I can say is that my life would be far simpler, possibly more rewarding (if not long term or financially), if I did this for myself and myself alone. I do not live a normal life, and those who like me and love me, do so because of this, yet they are in the minority and they are also extremely frustrated by my obsession for perfection, and my uncompromising defence of objective truths. My Mum said “You aren’t wrong about anything, but you have to find a way to live in this world and around other people” and my friend calls me “A knife with no handle” I don’t know who I would be if I compromised. And I don’t know what I would do if I stopped my chase for the whale. To me, all that matters is that my harpoon is honed and my aim is true, no matter how turbulent the waters get. But I could succeed, I just see regression from what is essentially WRC to Formula Drift. My Dad told me “The problem with starting at the top, is you can only go down.” Of everyone he knew me best, but I don’t know how to pull back, how to drop down a rung and still be fulfilled. I would be happier, but in the same way as one who eats cake instead of steak. My partner put it best when she said “You are showing the world the chicken, but all they can see is the egg.” I think of Larry Chen, and how he photographs a Kei car with the same intensity as Pikes Peak, and I don’t have that mindset. I grew up in the poorest of the Welsh Valleys and my disdain for the trivial is deep-rooted, I knew only excellence would provide freedom.
G.A.S Attack
As you can already see, these images aren’t of temples. They aren’t even of farmland or all that other stuff that you probably believe to be tree-hugging propaganda. I did, once upon a time. they one year I saw the smog in Chiang Mai, where the air was literally black. Hard to claim it as false after that, and harder again for me to say with a straight face these images are equally important — because they aren’t. Not by a country mile. Yet that does not mean these images are unimportant, in fact to many these images are an objective truth within the larger objective truth. this is where I am struggling, is the micro level details of the human condition as important as the macro? As someone who religiously follows and abides by work presented by slice-of-life manga sensei (master/teacher/expert, the translation is not one-for-one), you would think the answer a clear yes. Yet I can’t definitively say I feel this way, or that I can stand by this sentiment anymore. Yet I am facing a decision that will be hypocritical no matter which path I choose next.
ZEISS and I, had a parting of the ways, and whilst on the surface it has been presented as mutual, the situation has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I spent a lot of money on ZEISS Batis lenses only a few months ago, and I have used ZEISS for a long time. I tried to reconcile feelings by detaching entity from object or even gaslight myself by highlighting that it is the Cosina production that I value in them. Nonetheless, they sit in my dry cabinet like photos after a bad break-up. I find myself angry just looking at them and I am not sure if it is anger at ZEISS, myself or the missed opportunity they now represent. I want new lenses! Unfortunately, any that compete with what I already own are prohibitively expensive you would not believe. if I were to replace them with G-Master’s then that is the equivalent to my individual budget for the next year. I am not sure if replacing the objectively superlative ZEISS lenses is an altogether logical or coherent thought, but art is driven by emotion and I am as fallible to petty grudges as the next. The angel on my shoulder (it often appears just before a very expensive purchase) told me to just spend some time with the kit I have before making rash decisions, and I guess that process is what these images represent. I think in chasing new gear it gives me a purpose when I am rendered static due to my health, something I can physically control. The duality of the outcome would be that the emotional relief that replacement would allow would inevitably inspire action. The full reverse of which is that due to my health my fieldwork is drastically reduced and any interim output does not need excessive equipment.
I am toying with the idea of doing the “One camera, one lens, one year” challenge, and have been eyeing the 35mm F1.4 G Master for that very purpose, and this leads into two distinct points. The first is surrounding the actual equipment and artistic intent, 35mm is not my preferred focal length. Hypocritic considering my initial output is heavily dominated by the 35mm Summaron and Leica M2? Perhaps, but this whole essay is paradoxical. I’ve been listening to a lot of stripped-back country music recently (such as Marty Robbins, Don McLean and Johnny Cash and more of my Dad’s old favourites) and I am enamoured with how sardonic and uncompromising these artists are. I want to pull that veil from my own imagery, and perhaps find my feet in something that is as profoundly and unquestionably pure. The answer most would derive from this would likely to be film, but that’s not the answer I came to. Film gives even more layers for you to hide behind, a 35mm doesn’t. Its not aggressive like a 24mm or 28mm, nor as aesthetic as a 50mm or 85mm. it is one of the most difficult lenses to master and easiest to pick up because it just shows what’s in front of you, great for snapshots but incredibly hard to elevate from that position. now, why not just go for it? Because I already have a 40mm Batis that does practically the same thing, and I am as susceptible to Gear Acquisition Syndrome as the next guy. The “What if’s?” pop up quick. What if I went X100VI, I never got on with the X100V so what would be different? So I stated looking at G Masters and then came the next problem…
I looked at reviews. Not once did I find any field images, or an opinion worth listening to. Now, I do not begrudge the review spheres but we are playing a different game, they are shadow boxing and I’m going toe-to-toe with Tyson. I hope that comes across in what reviews I have done, and I believe it does. It was too much for Fuji X Passion, hence our split. Perhaps my first deliverable for ZEISS being a portrait of the Hammer and Sycle scared them too. That’s why I write these, for the other David out there looking up ZEISS Batis 40mm right now. I hope one day that will change and these articles find those Googling “How to make a sustainable long-term documentary project with no funding” but until that becomes the norm, we get the likes of Roman Fox and Jack Wang. Your good at what you do guys — but bantam weight. it angers me that the status quo believes what they do to be the standard, and rewards it. My friend Jonas Rask often battles with the grind, but as a doctor in his personal life I presume he gets fulfilment externally. Photography is all I have, I gave my eye for a peek in the well. I didn’t like what I saw either, and now I am set on preventing Ragnarok. I can’t get trapped in the wheel that binds Jonas, and I can’t dumb down what I do to fit expectations of an industry weaned on the teat of Peter McKinnon.
Treading Carefully
Life is in flux and my prospects are in flux. The last thing I need is for my gear to be in flux, and as these images show, I don’t think the Batis’ are holding me back at all. Part of me wants to take action on the one thing I can, buying a lens is a click away and next-day delivery. The Doctors all clear could well be a month or more away. But I know that sometimes you need those easy wins, especially when the wins I am chasing now get harder and harder. Before, a collab or an assignment would be motivation and subsidisation for pursuing an idea. Now, everything is so much bigger than me, DRobertsPhoto feels dwarfed when it once loomed. It has also become far more difficult to justify chasing quick wins. Everything I do from here out will look lesser, feel lesser and I need to come to terms with that fact. I will still be hunting temples, and I will still be documenting socio-ecological changes, but to no external timeframe. I cannot pursue these topics and honestly call this time period recouperation, nor can I execute the imagery to a standard I am happy with once smog season creeps in.
I’m unsure of exactly how the next year will pan out, missing winter in Thailand means protracting to next winter. At least for Discover Temples of Thailand, but perhaps I can find some middle-ground. Perhaps one year, one lens is a good thing. Something I don’t think has been seriously done before, and it would be an incredible way to write the final year of my retrospective in real-time. DRobertsPhoto will be celebrating ten years in 2027, and a retrospective is likely the surest outcome. I have agency how this last year will pan out, even if my agency elsewhere is limited. All i know is I am not ready to part ways with photography, no matter how toxic this relationship seems to be.
